Conrad’s blog

Conrad feels much less fragile and more ‘solid’ now. He makes eye contact and smiles more and more (whenever he’s not troubled by stomach pains or by having thrown up…). When I’m feeding him, he likes to keep eye contact with me, so I meet his gaze and chatter away at him. Every so often he’ll raise his left eyebrow, as if to say “Really? Are you sure?”. Generally he’s awake more now during the day (apart from a 4-hour sleeping session around 9/10am to 1/2pm) and will sit in the baby bouncer, moving his arms and kicking his legs quite happily at times looking around the place, though he does seem to prefer leaning against my shoulder and I try to let him do that as much as possible – it’s lovely to just sit and hold him, he’s so tiny and soft…

He really is a tall little boy: he takes up almost the entire length of the carry cot already, so we’re starting to wonder what we’re supposed to put him in soon – he’s only 7 weeks going on 8, so actually not quite two months old yet! Every time we’ve given him a bath so far, he’s cried when lowered into it (presumably due to being taken by surprise a bit) but then quietened down quite quickly. A lot of boy’s clothes have phrases like’ Daddy’s/Mummy’s little monster’ or just ‘little monster’ on them, but ‘monster’ was actually Ian’s nickname for Conrad’s sister – Conrad’s Daddy refers to him as ‘man cub’.

Conrad and I had a day on our own yesterday (Wednesday 30th July), as Jessica spent the day at farmor and farfar’s. We didn’t do anything much exciting, though, I’m afraid, apart from being able to take things at a different pace and going food shopping. It was lovely to have a day when I could concentrate on Conrad, though. He still spends most of his days sleeping, but I’m concerned that he won’t get enough of my attention on a regular basis as he starts to pay more active attention to the world around him. Hopefully I will find a way to share my attention well between Conrad and his sister.

Conrad’s colic is still going strong, though we’ve had the odd peaceful night without it (wish I knew what’s been different on those occasions…!). It can start as early as 4pm, if he has a feed then, and carry on for 2-4 hours. Or he’ll have a few colicky hours during the evening, night or morning. Often he’s got two lots, poor thing. It’s not always continuous crying but can be on and off, but he can cry desperately when he has stomach pains – his tummy is hard like the skin on a drum, he pulls his legs up and gets red in the face.

Most of the time I manage to find a way of rocking Conrad which does seem to soothe him, at least for a while, sometimes helping to send him off to sleep. Holding him upright against my shoulder, or in front of me facing me with his back against the length of my lower arm, whilst ‘waltzing’ about the place in long sweeping steps is a favourite. Or holding him across my lap and him facing me with both my arms for support (almost as if I were about to breastfeed him), rocking him either using very small, fast movements or slower movements letting him ‘fall’ towards the floor. But I’m sure that whatever I do serves more as a distraction than anything else – most things seem to work only for a little while before I have to try something else. But if I can at least distract him a bit, it’s worth it.

Gabriella

Yesterday (Wednesday 23 July) Conrad’s farmor and farfar came over to visit for the first time since back from their holiday (which only was Monday, so it was nice that they wanted to pop around so soon after). They stayed with Jessica while I went over to our local doctor’s surgery for my 6 week check-up, bringing Conrad with me, to also pop into the health visitor weighing clinic with him on the way back. He was weighed and measured at the clinic, the latter in anticipation of his 8 week check-up 6 August, which also will involve his first ever jab (not looking forward to that one – should be a sleepless night for all of us…). He now weighs 5.8 kilos (12lb 12oz) and is 60.5 cm (1ft 10.8in) long, so quite big for his age!

As I put Conrad on the scales, he started throwing up quite a lot, as he tends to do if I don’t hold him upright a fair while after a feed – I hadn’t been able to this time, as he’d fed at 1 o’clock and my appointment was at 1.30, which meant I had to lay him in his pram only 5-10 minutes after he’d finished his bottle… As Conrad also tends to complain after having thrown up, I had been considering giving him baby Gaviscon against the acidity, but hesitated, as it’s another kind of medication and he’s already regularly being given Infacol and occasionally gripe water. The health visitor suggested instead trying an alternative formula, which expands slightly in the stomach, which makes it less easy to throw up again. It’s not readily available in shops, but can be ordered in by pharmacies on request, and she suggested getting some in to try – one bottle only the first day, then two bottles the following day and see how we go. Only if this doesn’t help would she suggest Gaviscon.

The health visitor also commented on Conrad’s chin being less pulled back now and how he now sounds much less noisy when breathing, suggesting that his floppy larynx is sorting itself out too. Otherwise, she was very happy with his weight and general health and I felt reassured when leaving.

Conrad spends more time awake now, sometimes just looking quietly around himself, sometimes stretching his arms and legs, sticking his tongue out, making little grunting noises or cries (though not like when he’s colicky or wanting a feed, more like if he’s testing his voice). I try to put him in the baby bouncer for a while every day to give him things to look at, gradually building it up a bit so he gets practice sitting upright, but trying not to push it and leave him in there for too long either.

With the weather being so glorious this week, I’ve tried to keep the kids out in the garden most afternoons. Conrad gets to lie on a blanket on the grass if I know I’ll be able to stay right next to him (to guard him against a sometimes over enthusiastic older sister…!) or in his carry cot on the garden table under a parasol.

Jessica shows interest in her little brother and I have been a bit amazed over her actions at times. On a couple of occasions when Conrad has been crying and I’ve been sitting on the sofa with him over my shoulder stroking his back, to try and help him burp, she has come over to us with a troubled expression on her face and started gently stroking his back too. When she wants to go out (i.e. to the playground in the park), realising that her baby brother has to come with us nowadays, she’ll go fetch his jacket or blanket and bring them to me with an urging motion towards the double buggy in the hallway. When we come back home and I’ve lifted her out of the buggy, she goes straight up to Conrad, still in the seat behind, trying to undo the clasp on his belt and pulling his socks off, as if to say it’s time for him to come out of the buggy too. (Sometimes Conrad’s asleep at this point, and she takes some persuading to leave him to it…) When I go to change Conrad’s nappy, Jessica is right there watching with interest, sometimes wanting a front row seat, but her sitting on my lap doesn’t exactly make it practical to change him…! She’s too young to ask to fetch a new nappy for her brother or anything like that, but at her own initiative she has taken the lid off the nappy bucket for me once or twice, and it’s great to see all those little signs of her wanting to get involved.

Unfortunately, it seems like Conrad’s colic has gotten worse. For a couple of days, he’s not only had late afternoon/evening colic but also early morning colic… Saying that, though, three nights ago he wasn’t colicky at all – he slept soundly, fed regularly every three hours without complaining and went straight back to sleep after each feed. I managed to sleep a total of around five hours that night and felt quite fresh the following day…! It made me think about how much easier things will be once Conrad has got out of his colicky stage, and even when he starts sleeping through the night, and that it’s not too far away in time.

Gabriella

Thursday (17 July) I decided to brave it again for another first for Conrad: one of the mums had invited people over to her place in Woodhatch for the afternoon, and as there’s a bus going pretty much directly to hers from ours in only 15 minutes, I thought it’d be worth a try, provided that Conrad and his sister co-ordinated themselves nicely for me again. And they certainly did – the bus only goes about five times a day, but both Conrad and his sister were nicely fed with nappies changed in time for us to get out the door to catch the 2.15pm one. The bus was pretty much empty too, as it wasn’t rush hour in any way, and the double buggy – being the same width as a normal push chair though slightly longer – fitted just about in the space for wheelchairs/pushchairs.

There were several other mums and toddlers at our destination, so slightly chaotic, but this didn’t seem to trouble Conrad much. Just in case, I thought it’d be safer to keep him out of toddler-reach and Conrad got to snooze in our host’s nursery for a little bit. We couldn’t hear him over the baby monitor downstairs, as the noise levels were quite high with all our 15 month+ ones running around the place, but every so often a mum volunteered to pop upstairs for a quick listen. Conrad slept soundly, until I decided to combine a nappy change for his sister together with a trip upstairs. Jessica, still being very curious about her little brother, couldn’t help going up to the cot and prod him through the bars… And so he woke up. It was just time for his afternoon feed though, so I brought the two kids downstairs. With a couple of the other mums fetching my bags for me and distracting Jessica, I fed Conrad his bottle on the sofa. After he’d been fed and burped, he was passed around for a bit of a cuddle.

Ian came in the car to fetch us after work, and so turned up about 4.45pm. It took the two of us a little while to get the kids ready and all our stuff out the door, but some of the mums said again how chuffed they were that the kids and I had managed to get out of the house, let alone to come visit. I don’t want having two children out me off going out being sociable, though, and I would like Conrad to get the benefit of being around other people from as early on as possible. He’s too little still to be awake enough to take much in, but hopefully by the time he does, I’m well seasoned in taking him out and about.

Yesterday (Sunday 20 July) I reassembled the baby bouncer we’d tucked away in the loft since Jessica grew out of it, so that Conrad would get some practice sitting up more and to get to see a bit more than just the ceiling… After an hour he started to slump a bit in the bouncer, but his neck seems pretty strong and he’s holding his head up well, sometimes for a good 5 seconds off our shoulders without wobbling much at all. I’m very curious about how soon he will sit up all by himself…!

Gabriella

I guess we’re getting a little bit into every day life now, and each day feels a little bit less daunting for me. In the mornings I bring Conrad downstairs around 5am, wash and change him, then give him a feed when he’s ready for that. If things work out reasonably well, he’s all fed, burped and settled in the carry cot in the living room before I go to fetch his big sister for breakfast and bath. After Conrad’s had his next feed, at 8/8.30am as it tends to be, I take them both out in the pushchair, sometimes to the shops but lately it’s more often than not turned out to be the playground in the park. After Jessica’s had a go at the swings and anything else she might fancy we go back home again, when it’s time for Jessica’s morning bottle and, around 10.30/11am, nap.

When Jessica naps is pretty much the only time I get to spend properly with Conrad, without him being grizzly and unsettled as in the evenings or night time. I like to sit on the sofa and hold him for a bit, sometimes I’ve made both of us as comfortable as I can and dozed off myself with him in my arms – it’s lovely to hear his delicate little breath in my ear and feel his little head resting on my shoulder.

I do try to make plans for the three of us to see people if I can, though – apart from wanting to be sociable, it works well to keep Jessica busy and distracted so she’s less likely to be jealous of me tending to Conrad, plus it’s always nice to see Conrad admired by others…!

It seems Jessica is getting used to Conrad being around, and she entertains herself more and more on her own. At the moment, Conrad spends most of his days sleeping in the carry cot up on the old gramophone, but it won’t be too long until he’s awake more and I will want to put him in a baby bouncer or baby gym to give him more to look at and eventually do. I’m thinking things will be trickier then, as I will need to stay nearby at all times when Jessica’s around. She wouldn’t want to hurt him, of course, but she could do so by accident. I reckon the toughest times are still to come – I’ve ain’t seen nothing yet…

Sunday (13 July) Ian and I took Conrad and his sister over to Earlswood Lakes, for some fresh air, Conrad to have a feed in the great outdoors and Jessica to run around a bit more freely. We took a stroll around the lakes, fed the ducks and swans and, true to form, Conrad snoozed through most of it.

I have forgotten to mention, by the way, that when he was a couple of weeks old, I discovered a birth mark in Conrad’s right palm: a small, round, red dot about the size of a petite pois. It can well have been there since he was born, but he’s kept his little fists clenched so well that I didn’t spot it. I’m curious as to whether it’ll stay or whether it’s the sort of thing that’ll fade away with time.

I’m hardly expressing anymore now, and it still feels like such a shame, but I realise that there’s nothing I can do about it. Conrad’s having pretty much formula only now and I only hope it won’t make his tummy troubles worse, as I’ve heard that formula can cause constipation in babies. We’re avoiding the powder for now, anyway, using only the tetra carton-packed, ready-mixed stuff, probably until Conrad’s about 6 months.

Gabriella

PS The health visitor was just here – Conrad now weighs 5.57 kilos (12lb 4oz) – and when I told her I’d decided to stop expressing and feed Conrad formula, she said: “Can I just say, I think you’ve made the right decision”. She added that she knew plenty of breastfed babies with allergies and lots of formula-fed babies that were as healthy as anything, so I shouldn’t let any concerns for Conrad’s future health make me feel bad about not expressing. I’ve only had support from Ian, friends and family regarding this, so I know it’s the right thing to do.

Saturday (12th July) Ian spent the afternoon and evening at a couple of friends’ wedding, which meant that I was on my own putting both kids to bed for the second time ever. With Conrad so little still, we didn’t feel we could leave him with a babysitter. I was dreading bedtime, expecting Conrad to be right in the middle of his early evening colic when I’d have to put Jessica in bed. And he did start to grumble after his 4pm feed, needing lots of burping and rocking and singing to calm down. Thankfully, Jessica was happily playing on her own (apart from bringing a few books over to me on the sofa and trying to put them on my lap at the same time as Conrad was there having his bottle, and at one point jabbing him slightly in the ribs in the process, which didn’t go down too well with the baby…!).

Since the beginning of the week I give Conrad a double dose of Infacol before each meal, which seemed to help for a few days but not anymore. So I decided to try some gripe water. This is supposed to be good at easing acidity too according to a friend of ours, who used it for her baby, actually in combination with Infacol – Infacol needs to be taken before a meal, to line the stomach, but gripe water can be taken during or after the meal, so one can try Infacol first and if it doesn’t help also go for the second option.

As Jessica now feeds herself pretty well with a spoon, she had her dinner all by herself without spilling very much of it while I was busy jiggling Conrad. I danced around the living room singing a song I used to do folk dancing to when I was little (actually the same song I used to sing to Jessica when she was a baby and upset after feeding – very good as you can do a bit of bouncing to it, which sometimes helps bringing baby’s wind up) and managed to both get Conrad settled and Jessica giggling at the same time (me obviously looking very silly in the process!). The gripe water seemed to do the trick. Conrad cried for a while after having been fed but was happy enough to take his new medication, and when he dozed off after a while and I put him in the carry cot he stayed soundly and peacefully asleep for another couple of hours, giving me plenty of time to look through a few books with his big sister, and get her ready for and tucked in bed.

The night turned out so completely different to the previous! Conrad slept peacefully in-between feeds and even for 4 hours in one go between 8pm and midnight. I carried on giving him gripe water towards the end of each feed and it didn’t take him long to settle back to sleep, giving Ian and myself a much more relaxed night too.

Gabriella

Wednesday (9th July – Conrad one month old already!) the kids and I went over to the baby weighing clinic at the baptist church in the afternoon. It was chucking it down, so thankfully it wasn’t far to go. Actually, I haven’t done badly in getting Conrad and Jessica out of the house in good time for things – I take them out in the double buggy most mornings, to do some food shopping or to the park to let Jessica have a go on the swings while Conrad snoozes away in the shade – and they seem to time themselves nicely feeding-wise. Especially Conrad, who hasn’t got a real routine yet (i.e. no fixed times for feeds).

The health visitor saw us straight away as there was no one waiting (possibly the weather had put people off). Conrad now weighs 5.3 kilos (11lb 10 1/2oz), which is a little bit above his line on the graph, so there’s no worries about him not feeding well, even if he does throw up a lot. As the breastfeeding advisor had done, the health visitor suggested trying nipple shields, but she also said that she thought seeing a cranial osteopath would probably not be worth our while, as it wouldn’t really help Conrad’s particular situation. She also said that ‘to be honest, when I have seen babies with chins like Conrad’s, the mums have had to give up on breastfeeding because it simply hasn’t worked’. I had a feeling she had tried not to discourage me from keeping on trying before, as she saw how keen I was, but this time maybe she felt that she could speak more directly and openly. ‘You must be exhausted’, she said, when I admitted to not sleeping any more that 3-4 hours per night still. ‘Take at least one or two nights when you don’t express, just to try and catch up on some more sleep!’.

When I tried using nipple shields, I felt encouraged at first – Conrad seemed to feed, staying on for half an hour, with obvious gulping sounds from his throat and stomach and not frustratingly pulling away. But afterwards he still wanted almost a whole bottle of milk and I was able to express quite a lot… So feeding through the nipple shield didn’t seem to have been very efficient. Which didn’t really surprise me: there must be a reason for there being so much emphasis on using the correct technique when breastfeeding, and Conrad obviously still wasn’t using that. So that is a no go too…

The health visitor had said that there were a couple of people she could phone for potentially some additional advice. But the news wasn’t great – she hadn’t been able to get any new suggestions, only what I had already tried. She said to ‘keep going’ and she’d see me next week, but I was starting to doubt my persistence. Conrad’s still not latching on after a month of trying and the problem is physical, something that neither he or I can do anything about. I started to feel more and more like it was becoming a case of grasping at straws.

Ian and I had a chat about the situation and I made the difficult decision to give up on trying to breastfeed Conrad. Over a month on, I can’t afford losing this much sleep expressing, as I need to be awake enough to be a proper mum to him and his sister. When I was expressing for Jessica, I remember jealously watching other people playing with her, making her giggle, being too tired and busy expressing, sterilising, etc., to have fun with her myself. I don’t want that to be the situation now, especially that I now have two little kids that need me to be there for them. I want to be a proper mum, not just some robotic feeding machine.

Thursday afternoon, three of the mums from the post-natal group came over, two of them to meet Conrad for the first time. He was so admired and passed from one pair of arms to other – fed by Nicola and then Paula before he got a cuddle from Lisa. It’s lovely how excited all the mums in the group have been for us, both in anticipation of Conrad’s arrival and now. Several of them have boys and I can’t help hoping that, when they’re all a few years older and the age gap maybe not so much of an issue, Conrad might be playing with them too.

Last night was a bit awful, with Conrad not wanting to settle for most of the night. It’s horrid when I don’t know what’s wrong and can’t help him and he just keeps crying. Ian went downstairs to try and get some sleep on the living room floor. I know this is all normal for little babies, but it’s strange how some nights seem worse than others – if I only knew why, I could hopefully do something about it, but I guess we and Conrad are not unique in any way. We’ll get through it, I have no doubt about that.

Today I experienced that thing which a lot of mums say ‘makes you think it’s all worth it’: Conrad smiled at me for the very first time! It wasn’t one of those windy smiles, where the eyes aren’t involved, but he was looking straight at me, I smiled at him and then he smiled back. As it happened, I was in the process of taking a few photos of him using my mobile phone, as I wanted one of him for a wallpaper, so I managed to capture his very first smile on camera – not at the greatest quality resolution, but still.

Gabriella

Saturday (5th July) it was time for another smaller social event: Auntie Wendy’s house warming. As we live only a few minutes away from her ow, both kids got plonked in the double buggy and we headed off on foot. Conrad try to form slept through most of the event, unperturbed by being passed around and not taking the slightest bit of notice of his big sister climbing the stairs and running in and out of the house.

Yesterday (Monday 7th July) I took Conrad and Jessica to the Baby Café again, to see the breast feeding advisor. She sat down with me and Conrad straight away in a quiet corner, while Jessica was playing with a shape sorter toy by our feet. The advisor had a look at Conrad’s tongue and said that it looked fine after the ‘snip’, but that he still wasn’t using it the way he should for breastfeeding. Also, she had a second look at his chin, commenting that him pulling it back as far as he does really presents a problem.

As Conrad was coming up to wanting a feed, we had a couple of goes at helping him latch on before he got too hungry and it was time to give him the bottle of expressed milk that I’d brought. So no joy this time either… I just don’t know how to help him and, to be honest, that makes me feel really inadequate. I’m his Mum, so I should be able to guide him to sort this out. The advisor suggested trying nipple shields – it might help Conrad latch on as it would be more like drinking from a teat, which he is fine with. She also suggested seeing a cranial osteopath. There isn’t much scientific proof that what they do works, she said, but some people have found that what they do has made a huge difference.

The three of us joined a circle of breastfeeding mums around a padded area full of toys, and Jessica got stuck in playing alongside the other toddler and older babies, while I fed Conrad. The health visitor responsible for the café together with the advisor offered a mug of tea and then to look after Conrad for a bit while I drank it. As I always worry about hot drinks near wriggly babies I welcomed the suggestion, and Conrad enjoyed ten or so minutes being admired by yet another person.

So another option to try: nipple shields. But it feels a bit like we’re heading into ‘desperate measures’ now, running out of ideas…

Gabriella

Partway into July now, with Conrad turning 4 weeks old on Monday – time’s really going quickly and we just realised how long it’s been since the last blog entry…!

Unfortunately, Conrad still hasn’t taken to breastfeeding, which means I’m still expressing, through the night too… He’s seemed to latch on a couple of times in the last few days, but comes off again pretty soon and seems to lose interest. He still feeds well on breastmilk from a bottle, so it’s not an issue of him not being fed, thankfully. I spoke to the breastfeeding advisor on the phone today, as Conrad and I haven’t managed to see her in person yet after his tongue tie got sorted out, and she said it seems strange if he’s getting that far but not managing to stay latched on – perhaps the cut under his tongue wasn’t deep enough. We agreed that I’d try to come to the Baby Café on Monday and she’d see what she could do to help then. Thing is, if Conrad and I can’t get to grips with breastfeeding soon, we’ll have to seriously consider raising Conrad on formula – I’m not getting anywhere near enough sleep at the moment, a situation that obviously isn’t sustainable in the long run., if I’m to be a good Mum to Conrad and his sister

Conrad is sick quite a lot, needs plenty of burping and is restless for a few hours every evening and/or night. It sees such a shame that feeding should be such hard work for someone so little, but I guess it makes sense if his digestive system isn’t quite up to speed yet. in 3-4 months time though, I’m hoping it’ll be better and Conrad will be happier.

It has been commented on a few times now how long and strong Conrad’s legs are. As with his sister, his Daddy’s already started putting him in training in anticipation of Conrad walking – moving his legs and encouraging him to push against resistance with his feet. No fear of Ian being a ‘pushy parent’, though – it’s really just a fun way of playing and bonding.

Gabriella